What I learned during my first full year of being single

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What I learned during my first full year of being single

Here we are! About this time last year, I took a “break” with my ex, which turned into a permanent separation. A lot of other transitions have transpired. My brother died. I navigated a few significant professional advancements and setbacks. I traveled all over the globe. I found an incredible roommate and friend. Also, there’s the whole dating thing. It’s kind of new. Okay, really new.  Historically, I have swiftly migrated from one long-term relationship to the other. Frankly, I’m grateful that was the case. Now I’m 31 and know myself a lot more. I can also learn a lot more because I’ve gotten a lot of other life lessons out of the way at this point. Overall, it’s been a very positive year for me. My single lifestyle isn’t all that bad. Here are a few bonus lessons I’ve learned about myself and the world around me…

Alone time is more valuable than I imagined.

My Myers Briggs personality type is an ENFJ. Emphasis on the E. That means I’m an extrovert and I really love to be around people. In fact, it’s a make or break professional trait for me. Sometimes, though, you need some time alone. I need a couple nights or even whole days to chill by myself. I work until midnight if I want.  I read and drink wine in my sweats and pass out at 9 p.m. I do pretty little self care things with the music of my choice blaring loudly. I go to my friend’s bars and just chill. I love not having to answer to anyone during my free time. It is freeing and rejuvenating at the same time.

You don’t have to be rude to people you don’t want to date.

Seriously, though… Why be petty? I know this kind of exchange happens all the time between people out here trying to find a mate. Everyone wants to own the rights to someone else.  I’ve met a lot of amazing people. I’ve also met a lot of mediocre people. There are all kinds of reasons to not want to see someone regularly or make a commitment. I’ve always been honest if someone wants more of me and I know I can’t give that back. Sometimes I have to repeat myself, but I manage to do it with a smile and leave the floor open to dialogue. I always wish and want the best for people and I tell them so. Often, they return the sentiment. We all leave feeling chill. It’s possible not to make it weird.

Honesty is the holy grail.

This trait helps me control who gets close to me. By being open about my personal tastes, my views on commitment, and whatever else comes up, I know I’m attracting the right kind of people.  Honesty also seems to be an incredibly attractive trait. It’s rare people are themselves, apparently. I think that’s what happens after you’ve been through some shit. See my article on confidence here. 

Get thee some good single friends.

There’s a lot to talk about, talk through, indulge in and explore while you’re single. A lot of my closest friends and family are booed up. I ain’t mad at them and I still have a lot of fun with them. However, there’s only so much of my dating life they want to hear. There’s also a limit to the way and the times we hang out. I’ve been blessed with two amazing newish friends who are here to hold it down with me and I’m here for them. If you don’t got some girls to ride with you, go find them. They’re looking for you, too.

Not sure how I feel about all the apps, yet.

Before anyone asks. No. I haven’t tried any dating apps. I talk to a lot of my friends who use them. I take mental notes and collect their stories. I haven’t felt like I’m missing much. Maybe 2019 will be different. Maybe I’ll try some out and share my experiences with you. MAYBE.

I’m cool with no commitment.

Who knew? I sure didn’t. I’m a loyal ass Scorpio. That’s all I have ever been. Now I’m just fiercely loyal to myself, my friends and my family. I give those relationships my all these days. For now, I’m okay meeting new people, making them happy and making myself happy and leaving it at that. No promises. The thing I fear the most with a relationship is the worry about whether or not I’m making my partner happy. There are the misunderstood texts, the “I’m sorry I was late” apologies, and the “who is that?” questions. I don’t want to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. Screw all of that right now. I’d much rather wonder how I’m doing today and how I can go out of my way to make my close friends and family happy. I’m not closed off to commitment however. When the time, mutual enthusiasm, chemistry, compatibility is right, I’ll let the damn open in full Scorpio fashion. For now, I’m cool will a well monitored river.

Go fish.

I can dream bigger.

Without the anchor of a relationship and all its physical and emotional weights, I’ve been able to think a little broader about my future. This has unlocked creativity and aspirations I didn’t know I had. I’m really grateful for this freedom right now. I’m 31. I am established. I am really good at what I do. How can I take it up a notch?

There are a lot of people who don’t want a relationship either.

This was a surprise. I grew up with a lot of southern influence. My parents got married one after the other (three times each). I was trained to think that monogamy was a must. Now I know better. I was nervous about feeling the pressure of getting into a new relationship. Turns out a lot of men and women out here are Single By Choice (SBC). They aren’t interested in a full blown commitment either. They just want some respect and honesty and fun. Phew.

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