A Note on Self Love: How to be More Confident Every Day
I’ve had some pretty deep conversations lately. I’m circling back around to process a very long year of transition and self discovery. I have friends who are going through their own transformations: starting IVF, ending a long marriage, counseling an abused sister, considering expanding a business. A most recent conversation occurred with Sarah, a bright VCU senior who’s started helping me here at Sweet Sauce. She made several comments about my confidence during our second meeting. It kind of took me by surprise. I hadn’t always considered myself a confident person. As we humans do, I have apparently evolved. I am a confident woman. Weird. I got to asking myself, “how did I get this way?” Can I put it into words to help someone else? I discovered in fact, I could.
Here are five aways to be more confident every day:
Forgive Yourself
A recently discovered Tom Robbins quote may help my first point: “A sense of humor is superior to any religion so far devised.” The ability to laugh about life is one of my greatest survival skills. Bad shit will happen to you when you don’t deserve it. You will fuck shit up all by your damn self. Here are a few things bugging me from where I stand this moment in cosmic time: I sent out a newsletter this week and noticed a typo at the bottom. A recent blog giveaway didn’t get as many followers as I hoped for the brands involved. I still haven’t quite got the tummy I want. I didn’t gross as much this year as I’d hoped. I came late to my best friend’s Friendsgiving event. I also lost one of the pair of earrings she gave me for my birthday. I’m a little surprised I’m not dating someone after a year of being single.
While it’s fair to acknowledge these slip-ups and perceived shortcomings, it’s not helpful to dwell on them. So, alternately, I laugh them away. They are all funny facts about my life that make it MINE. Truthfully, I’m glad I’m flawed. I’m glad I’m single. I’m glad my followers know I’m real so they don’t have ridiculous expectations about life. I’m glad I don’t obsess over my physical appearance. I always promise to do better next time. I am an evolving being. So are you. Trust the process.
Invest in Yourself
I know a lot of men and women who fail to take care of themselves mentally, physically and emotionally. That lack of self love creates an insecure mindset. By not making time for yourself, you’re telling yourself and those around you that you aren’t worthy of such indulgences. When you do that, you miss out on opportunities to nurture and improve your physical and mental health. Carve out time for the gym or yoga. Treat yourself to a massage, facial, or manicure. Buy a new book to turn to when you need to get away. Sign up for a class to learn a new skill. The simple act of putting yourself first will nudge your mindset into the confident direction. Every time you invest in yourself, you say “I’m worth it.”
Trust Your Instincts
In his book “Blink,” Malcom Gladwell says that we make most decisions within two seconds. That means that we waste a lot of time going back and forth in our mind and in conversation when we struggle to make a decision. A lot of times, we already know what is right. We know what we want. We know what is going to best for our families impacted by the decision. Tune into your internal compass. It knows your desires and your direction. Sometimes you’ll head down a path you don’t like. When that happens, turn back to my first tip: forgive yourself and evolve.
To elevate this point, I’ll share an expert from my favorite poem, Desiderata, handed down to me from my grandfather:
“You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. ”
Ask for Help
A sure sign of an intelligent person is when they say “I don’t know.” If you don’t understand a question, can’t open a jar of jam, or never got the dang memo, it’s all good. Someone else understands. Your roommate has a nack for opening jars. Your boss is glad you let her know you didn’t get the memo. Reaching out when we need something may make us feel exposed and inadequate. Instead of dwelling on what you don’t have, think about the opportunity to learn and grow. The more open minded we are, the more we can accept and enjoy about ourselves and the world around us.
Here’s a bit of a case study: I have gone several months without a car. It’s been a real practice in not only logistical mastery, but confidence. I’ve hitched rides to family events, to meetings, and to dinner dates whenever I can to save on my Lyft costs. Every time I do, I get to have a meaningful conversation with a friend or peer. I get a lot out of it every time and I know they do, too.
Give More Than You Take
Give compliments. Give your skills. Give advice when it can help someone. Give hugs. Give opportunities. Make introductions. You’ll find that when you give more of yourself, you begin to appreciate just how much you have to give. As people around you benefit from your gifts, no matter how large or small, you will be proud of yourself. You’ll stop feeling like you owe others anything.
Stand tall, you beautiful people.
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